Breaking Up IS Hard to Do.

The song says it all..."Breaking Up IS Hard to Do". A month and 4 days ago, it was an ordinary day. It was my first day off, I had family and friends that loved me, and I was dating a man I planned to marry. It's funny how life can change in the blink of an eye. One moment you're happy and in the next moment, you're blinking rapidly and realizing that the future YOU planned for YOURSELF is NEVER going to happen.

Yup, that's what happened to me a month and 4 days ago. The man I was in a relationship with posed a question that made me realize that our plans for the future weren't compatible. My "PLANNED" future, slowly started to crumble before me. And after 2 days of over analyzing and thinking, I came to the conclusion that us going our separate ways was the best.

I methodically started packing everything that reminded me of "us" away. Gone were the pictures of "us" and "him". Myspace and Facebook status' changed. Pictures were written to a disk and then deleted from computers. My cell and home phone got "cleaned" out. And after a month of "waiting" (even though I knew this was the right thing to do) for him to contact me, I deleted him from my yahoo messenger and Myspace, so that I could finally start healing.

God is good like that. I knew from the beginning this probably was something I shouldn't get into. My spirit realized it, I just didn't want to listen. I had a man that thought I was sexy and smart and liked me for me. However, our communication wasn't all that great ( I was quiet. If you know me, I'm soooo not quiet) and I stopped going to church because I felt like a hypocrite. I was hiding. So after breaking up, I realized that I needed to put God first in my life. I also felt very peaceful. I can't explain it, all I know is that after my break up, I knew things were going to be different; in choosing men to date, Christians only please, and that I would truly try to follow my loving Father. And after OFFICIALLY closing the door yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling that today was truly a "new day".

My ex is never far from my thoughts and I know that eventually thoughts of him will fade, as will memories. I will be forever grateful that he encouraged my going back to school. My prayer for him is a lifetime of happiness and good fortune. And yes, I still love him.

But as for me, I've mentally written down every memory on a mental sticky note and I've tied them together in a neat pile with a ribbon and have tucked them away. I've closed a chapter and I'm starting a new one. I don't know where it will lead, but as long as I'm following Him, it can't be bad. Until next time, Frog!

Life's a dance you learn as you go....

As I drove into work today, I listened to my new, "Life's a Dance: 17 Inspirational Songs from Today's Country Artists" CD (it's VERY good). Track 10 is John Michael Montgomery's song, "Life's a Dance". After listening to it, I've come to the conclusion that John Michael Montgomery does a good job of summing up life with the following lyrics;

"Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go"

They pretty much sum up what I'm learning and realizing at this stage of my life and how I'm trying to change and apply not "worrying about what I don't know". I'm so busy trying to figure out God's plan for my life, that I'm missing out on what He's doing and blessing me with NOW! "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jer. 29:11. I mean God pretty much sums it up right there. He has a plan for me. And not only that but He goes ahead and tells us in Proverbs 16:9 "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps". God IS in control, NOT me. And the sooner I submit to Him and let Him have it (because He really wants me to do this), I'll be happier.

It's easy to get caught up in the drama of everyday life. But the hardest part is making the decision as to whether you're going to wallow in it (pity party for 1 here) or you're going to let it go and move on. Lately I've been wallowing (pity party for 1 here). Wallowing is NEVER a good thing for me to do. I get tudey, aggravated, and depressed. In short, I become a party pooper, a stick in the mud, and no fun to be around.

When I get like this, I usually have a meeting with my good friend "Frank" (everyone should have a "Frank"). I won't lie, I don't usually like what "Frank" has to say at that given moment. This is because "Frank" doesn't tell me what I WANT to hear, instead "Frank" tells me what I NEED to hear (and what I NEED to hear and what I WANT to hear are 2 VERY different things). Now over the years, I've come to respect and appreciate "Frank". I've also learned to react differently. In the early years I got defensive and angry; now I get quiet, thoughtful, and I ponder what "Frank" has said. Sometimes my pondering takes a while to get through and it's usually accompanied by tears, but after a while, I see the point "Frank" makes. It doesn't mean that I necessarily agree (most of the time I do) or that I take the advice (one of these days I might learn to), but at least I listen, respect, and appreciate my friend, "Frank".

I have to unlearn a lot of behaviors that I have known and practiced for years. Luckily for me, God has blessed me with some of the most understanding and supportive people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and being able to call my friends. Yes, I know this is going to take time. I didn't learn these behaviors over night, so they won't be gone over night. But with the help of God, I'm going to be all right. I'm going to relax and remember "Life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance you learn as you go"....
Until next time, FROG!

Honda vs the racoon on steroids and the outcome.....

For those of you who don't know, I now drive a 2005 Honda Accord EX (with butt warmers!!). She's a real beauty and my first "real" car. Now don't get me wrong all my cars up until this point have been very faithful. Hmmmm maybe I should fill you in on my car history....

My "first" car, an Eagle Summit aka the "Tootsie Mobile" (a hand me down from my parents), was a great run around car, until the crank shaft bolt fell off and she sounded like she'd explode at any minute. This little factor caused my parents and I to get my VERY FIRST brand new car! My 1999 Dodge Neon was my first car and the love of my life for a while...until I was in an accident and didn't "feel" safe in her anymore. Then came the 2001 Kia Sephia (my next brand new car), the "Lemon" model of the Kia's...need I say more (they stopped making them the year after I got mine)? In all actuality, she was a good car. She got a new transmission the 1st week I had her (I later found out that it was a rebuilt one) and after 7 years of faithful performance, the transmission locked up. Now, had I had the transmission flushed and taken care of her with routine maintenance, I'm sure I'd still have her. But alas I didn't have the $2800 to put into getting her fixed and sold her to someone who did. Luckily for me, I had my Father's 1999 Plymouth Breeze to fall back on. Now, Dad's car (I acquired her after he passed away. I had a lot of his personal belongings to tote home and couldn't afford to rent my own personal jet) had over 123,000 miles on her and I noticed on my way home from PA that even with the petal to the metal I was only going 60 MPH (that wasn't a real comfort to me). In May I needed to make another trip to PA to get more of Dad's things and figured that the Breeze probably wouldn't make it. So I started car hunting. After changing my mind a million times and probably driving my friends up the wall (I had to keep them informed of every car I was looking at and all the goodies it had), I finally found my 2005 Honda Accord at Priority Honda in Chesapeake, VA. I LOVE my car. She's silver with a V6 engine, leather interior, and a 6 CD changer. Praise the Lord, she's dependable!!

Now that I've got my history of automobiles I've owned, I can get to the heart of the story. So anyways, it was last Wednesday night. I hadn't had a great day, not at all. I was feeling pretty lousy, crying, and to boot, it was raining. I was about 3 miles from my house when all of a sudden this raccoon ran out in front of me. Now I thought to myself "Praise You Lord, look at that raccoon" (I've lived out in the "country" for 3.5 yrs now and this is the second raccoon I've seen alive...). Mr. Raccoon decided to turn around in front of the other car beside me and run back my way and stop.... Well, you pretty much know what happened, I heard "whack" and then felt my back tire go "bump"... Seeing my 2ND raccoon alive was pretty short lived. So by that time, I was feeling even crappier.

I pulled into my drive way and got my mail. I decided I'd check to see the "ding" the raccoon left in my bumper. If ONLY it had been a ding!! Oh no!! Let me tell you what Mr. Raccoon did to my bumper. He put about a 5 in tear in it, pushed it in and down, and caused part of it to scrape the ground (luckily my friend pulled that part off for me or it would have driven me up the wall). The raccoon on STEROIDS had decided to hit MY car!!! I calmly got back into my car, thinking "God, You've got to be kidding me", and pulled up about 5 ft and parked. I then proceeded to get out of the car and check the damage again (I thought maybe I was hallucinating the first time...I wasn't).

I called my friend and let her know I was home safely and about my run in with the coon (at this point I wasn't mourning his loss as much) and realized I'd have to file an accident report for insurance reasons (being a dispatcher is very helpful at times). So I called my local sheriff's office and was told a trooper would call me soon. The trooper called, told me to meet him at the sheriffs office in a half hr, and he'd fill out the report. The report took all of 10 minutes to complete and I was on my way home again.

By the time I pulled into my drive way I was chuckling. It was kinda like my "too stressed to be blessed or too stressed to be blessed" blog day. I thanked God that I was safe and that I hadn't hit a deer or a bear. I wasn't hurt, my car still ran, and I was thankful. I was a little concerned about what this would set me back cost wise. I couldn't remember what my deductible was and I had just put one on my insurance due to the new car (full coverage). I figured I'd deal with that when the time came.

Fast forward to Friday morning (my in between day. I don't have to go to work until 7:30 pm that evening). I went to Farm Bureau and filed a claim. They took pictures and gave me the greatest news possible at that moment....I DIDN'T have a DEDUCTIBLE on my comprehensive insurance. Praise the Lord! It wasn't going to cost me anything. I could have cried. I couldn't have been more thankful to Him. Just when I think it's going to get bad, He's there helping me. Thank You God! So the good news is, I'm in good health, I have the check from Farm Bureau and I'll have my new bumper next Thursday (there was a mix up in translation. The auto body shop thought I still hadn't talked to my insurance agent). And a little piece of advice...avoid raccoons on steroids! Until next time, FROG....

Overwhelmingly blessed...thank you Father!

Whew...I am feeling overwhelmingly blessed at the moment. I have the most loving Father, God, the greatest friends and the best "sorta kinda guy" in the world. Over the past few weeks God has been doing some serious work in me. I can feel it and I can catch glimpses of it. I've blogged in the past about the "Vivian Complex"(or the "VC" for short) and "practicing what you preach...or not..." But in the last few weeks I've been right in that boat..."the bad stuff is easier to believe" (if not familiar with this quote, look up my "VC" blog). And Satan, the GREAT deceiver, has been doing a number on me... But luckily with the faithful love of my God and my friends, I'm resisting him....AND getting comfortable in my skin...again.

I think we go through phases. Sometimes we're comfortable/happy with ourselves, sometimes we aren't, I want to be all the time (not to demanding huh? This is where my friend would say, "Picky aren't we")!! But in this case, YES!! I am being "picky". I want to be HAPPY and COMFORTABLE in my skin all the time!!! I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". I am made in His image! Our loving Father DOES NOT make mistakes!! Praise the Lord!!

Lately I've been being honest with myself and others on how I truly feel about myself at times. I'm being honest about the fact that I'm not perfect and will never be perfect (wow talk about tiring!) and I'm accepting that I'm perfect JUST the WAY I ALREADY am. I'm exactly where He wants me to be be at this moment in my life.

But, what I want to see and want to be, I already am. And my God and friends, already see that. They see the beautiful, loving, reliable, trusting, great, wonderful, forgiving, friendly, sweet, girl that I have a hard time seeing. They see His image emanating from me. WOW...pretty powerful stuff huh? So I've decided to get out of "this" pit and start believing and trusting them 100%. And if I get a big head, I can always count on my girl to keep me grounded! I'm not saying it'll always be easy and knowing me I'll stumble a MILLION times, but God and the special people in my life will be there to help me.

So Heavenly Father, thank You for all that You do for me. Thank You for the faithful and loving friends and people that You have placed in my life. And thank You for Your grace and love. I am truly blessed.

Until next time, FROG....

Oh what a night.....

Picture it (I know, sounds a lot like Sophia from Golden Girls...), it was April of 2007. I was at the Telecommunicator's Conference in Salemburg, NC (it's held annually for dispatchers all over the state of NC). But moving on...we took classes, met new dispatchers from all over the state, and had a blast. And it just happens to be where I met "him".

If memory serves me right (lately it's hit and miss) it was the 2ND night of the conference when they held a party/dance. At first me and my gang (it's a great song!!) hadn't planned on going. We weren't in the mood to drink and calling it a night at the dorm sounded very tempting! However, we decided to go over and check it out. Man am I glad I did! I danced the night away...100% sober I might add... I had a blast and of course...that's where I met "him".

Now I noticed "him" standing close by watching my every move (there were some really wild ones I might add too...ha ha). I noticed him too...red hair, glasses, really nice smile, goatee, and taller than me (always a plus I might add!!). I can't remember who broke the ice first. I believe it was "him". I had requested a slow song, Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. The guy I was supposed to dance it with was outside. So "him" being the great guy that he is, stepped in and took his place. I wish I hadn't gone on and on about the guy that I was supposed to dance with, but I did. But "he" was great...he didn't leave my side the rest of the night.

Eventually a small group of us headed to the student lounge to hang out (me, "him", and 2 others). "He" and I were going to dance another slow dance (this time this one for us), but we never did find a good song. Instead, I laid my head on his shoulder and bummed smokes. And "he" being the wonderful man that he is, had no problem with any of it.

The next day, we were both shy and chatted a bit and took some classes together. We had exchanged contact information the night before. And then we simply parted ways. When I got home you better believe I added him to my yahoo messenger. And since that meeting, we've kept in contact, building a beautiful friendship....Until next time, FROG...

Practicing what you preach.....or not......

If I practiced what I preached, I'd be doing good...but then I suppose we all would. Really, think about it, you can GIVE advice, you just can't APPLY it in YOUR OWN life. Well, if you're feeling that way, I'm in the same boat with you. In fact I'm pretty sure we're sitting in an ocean liner the size of either the Queen II or the Titanic. I can give advice with the best of them, but I can't APPLY it to my life at all. But if I could, man would life be a lot easier.

I think I'm a worrier by nature. I know God doesn't want me to worry, but I do. I should give all my problems to Him, but I feel I can take care of it much better than He can...STUPID STUPID STUPID girl! I feel He's getting me ready for a HUGE growth spurt. There is so much going on around me that I feel powerless (I'm not a fan of this feeling. I don't like feeling vulnerable). Growing as a child of God, relationships changing, friendships changing, friendships beginning, a new guy in my life, I mean it's busy. And here I am trying to take control of it all, instead of just being and learning. I'm not a fan of change, I never have been. But then God is all about throwing us out of our comfort zones....

If a friend came to me with the same story, I'd tell them to "go with the flow", "not to worry", "be patient", "be still and know that He is God", "walk by faith, not by sight", blah blah blah blah blah. You know what I'm saying, because you've said it too. Maybe not exactly the same way, but you've said something along those lines before. However this is YOUR life! What you're going through is DIFFERENT than ANYONE ELSE'S plight. BUT IT'S NOT!! It's the same thing, maybe a different scenario and different players, but it's the same. As Solomon said, nothing new under the sun. Someone else has felt the same way and hasn't taken their own advice.

And what's sad, I know what I need to do...I know if I would follow what I'm preaching to others, I'd be happy and relaxed. I'd be enjoying my life more. I wouldn't feel so lost. I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. My course of action? I'm giving/submitting it to God and I'm going to trust Him more (I have SEVERE trust issues). I'm going to go with the flow and try to relax and enjoy things more. It's gonna take some PRACTICING, but with some patient people in my life, I'm sure I will be successful. Until next time, FROG....

Leaded, unleaded, or somewhere in between.....

I'm a coffeeholic. I LOVE coffee...maybe a little too much! And I'm not into all that fru fru stuff. Don't get me wrong, I do occasionally enjoy an iced West 3rd from Front Porch Cafe (local coffee house on the Outer Banks) or a Mocha Frappuccino. But for the most part, I'm a "plain Jane". I like Foldgers 100% Columbian (LEADED!) coffee with enough cream to make it a nice shade of tan. No flavored coffee creamers or sweetener here! Just plain hardcore leaded java! And I don't just like a cup or 2 of coffee a day, I drink more like 1 1/2 to 2 pots a day!! Can we say ADDICTED?!?!

For those who drink Unleaded coffee, I'm not gonna bust on you. Some people are just anti-caffeine (don't stone me here). And for the most part it's due to health reasons. I can respect that. To each is his own. And in all actuality, decaff coffee tastes a WHOLE lot better than it did when I was growing up (my Grandpap used to drink Sanka, instant decaffeinated coffee...ugh!!). I've even been FOOLED before and didn't know I was drinking decaff (it's probably a subconscious thing) But if I'm in the store, you better believe I'm putting the leaded stuff in my cart!

HOWEVER...I think I need to switch to the "somewhere in between". I'm so hyped up on the caffeine that I'm "zinging" here and there and everywhere in between. My brain is always going and there is always something to do, even if my body is begging for relaxation. I also believe that the caffeine is having the opposite effect that I want it to. Instead of being alert and awake, I'm tired and groggy. Why? Simply because my body IS tired, but I'm so keyed up that I can't sleep and I'm not getting the deep sleep that I need. And on top of that, I'm a talker by nature, add a pot of coffee and I'm a speed talker. I get to rambling on so fast that my dearest friend has to remind me to breathe!!

So, after talking to countless friends and my Dr. I've decided to mix my "leaded" with "unleaded" to get "something in between". I'm hoping I'll get just enough "zing" without all added the "zinging". And remember, if you're going to drink unleaded, make sure it's NATURALLY unleaded! It's healthier for you! Until next time, FROG...