Far Better

After driving a little over 10 hours, I am finally relaxing in the hotel room I will call "home" for the next 2 nights. I unpacked my devotionals and sat down to read my assigned texts for the day. I opened my "Our Daily Bread" and noticed the title "Far Better", which included Revelation 21:1-4.

This particular writing and the included verses spoke to me. I suppose they did, because my Grandpap passed away Monday afternoon. I've wondered why I haven't been crying uncontrollably, and I think I know the answer now. Grandpap is in a much better place. He's home in Heaven with his Lord and Savior. He's been reunited with loved ones, including his beautiful bride. He's no longer in pain, and the Alzheimer's has dissipated. He's healthy, he's loved, he's happy!

Revelation 21:4 states, "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

How true is that? For those of us left behind, we can find comfort in knowing that the man who was a husband, father, brother, uncle, cousin, and grandfather is pain free and whole once again. When you think of it that way, it's hard to wish he were still here.

I wish I had gotten to say goodbye, but the last few times I had talked to Grandpap on the phone, he had a hard time remembering who I was. My Mom and Dad were concerned about me seeing who he'd become; they didn't want me to remember him that way. Knowing Grandpap, he wouldn't have wanted me to see him that way either.

I'm blessed to have called him Grandpap and to have had him call me Granddaughter. He and my Grandma, who passed several years ago, accepted my brother and I as their own. It didn't matter that we didn't have the same blood flowing through our veins, we were their grandchildren.

Moreover, I'm left with a plethora of memories. After my family and I moved to NC, Grandpap would come to visit for a month or two at a time. He was there to see me off the night I attended my Junior prom. He was there to see me graduate from high school. My brother and I spent countless hours walking the golf course with him, looking for golf balls. I can hear him now "Merry K, look! There's a golf ball under that bush. Go get it!". Who cared if I had a thing about ticks, Grandpap wanted that golf ball!! Golf ball hunting was usually followed by an evening of me picking cactus stickers out of his fingers. Saturday evenings were spent watching the Statler Brothers, while I clipped and filed his toe nails. There are countless more, but those are the memories that I recall most often.

So, although I will miss Grandpap, I will celebrate his life and the fact that he is in Heaven with God. When I look at it that way, it's impossible not to be happy for him! I love you Grandpap. I pray that I don't disappoint you and I will see you again one day! RIP. Until next time, FROG!

Please add the sugar syrup!!!!!

For all of you that don't know, I'm a coffeeholic. I LOVE COFFEE. Morning, noon, night, it doesn't matter. McDonalds has come out with their McCafe. You can order specialty coffees. Now they don't have the selection that Star Bucks has, but it's more of a selection than just your plain hot coffee. I think God is trying to tell me I don't need them (and knowing myself as I do, He'll have to continue to do so). Now I know you're probably laughing and scratching your head thinking I'm nuts (I am a bit), but I'm serious. The last 3 times I've gotten Regular Iced Coffee from the McCafe, something has been TERRIBLY wrong with it.

The first time it happened was my last night shift. I got Nancy and myself a LARGE iced coffee. It turned out to be an iced coffee sans the ice. The girl making them added scorching hot coffee and melted all the ice. Nothing more refreshing than an iced coffee sans ice...ugh! The second time it occurred was during my last time off. I had a nice morning of running around and sushi with friends. On the way home (and I have a trek home), I decided to stop for one of these cool, refreshing drinks. I ordered my typical large iced coffee. Being the safe driver I try to be, I didn't have a sip until after I had gotten back on the road. Boy was that a SURPRISE. Instead of the nice blend of sugar, coffee, and cream, I had a mouthful of unsweet iced tea with cream. GROSS I KNOW!!!! However, because it cost me $2.36, I drank it. After a while I got used to the taste. I won't lie though, it was a MAJOR let down. So tonight, my friend Nancy asked if I wanted a coffee, and I was like OF COURSE!! Sounds good to me...well that was ANOTHER LET DOWN. This time it was coffee, and it had ice, BUT it was MISSING the sugar syrup...*SHAKING HEAD*. So next time I order an iced coffee from the McCafe, I'm asking for sugar syrup. Until next time, FROG!

Breaking Up IS Hard to Do.

The song says it all..."Breaking Up IS Hard to Do". A month and 4 days ago, it was an ordinary day. It was my first day off, I had family and friends that loved me, and I was dating a man I planned to marry. It's funny how life can change in the blink of an eye. One moment you're happy and in the next moment, you're blinking rapidly and realizing that the future YOU planned for YOURSELF is NEVER going to happen.

Yup, that's what happened to me a month and 4 days ago. The man I was in a relationship with posed a question that made me realize that our plans for the future weren't compatible. My "PLANNED" future, slowly started to crumble before me. And after 2 days of over analyzing and thinking, I came to the conclusion that us going our separate ways was the best.

I methodically started packing everything that reminded me of "us" away. Gone were the pictures of "us" and "him". Myspace and Facebook status' changed. Pictures were written to a disk and then deleted from computers. My cell and home phone got "cleaned" out. And after a month of "waiting" (even though I knew this was the right thing to do) for him to contact me, I deleted him from my yahoo messenger and Myspace, so that I could finally start healing.

God is good like that. I knew from the beginning this probably was something I shouldn't get into. My spirit realized it, I just didn't want to listen. I had a man that thought I was sexy and smart and liked me for me. However, our communication wasn't all that great ( I was quiet. If you know me, I'm soooo not quiet) and I stopped going to church because I felt like a hypocrite. I was hiding. So after breaking up, I realized that I needed to put God first in my life. I also felt very peaceful. I can't explain it, all I know is that after my break up, I knew things were going to be different; in choosing men to date, Christians only please, and that I would truly try to follow my loving Father. And after OFFICIALLY closing the door yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling that today was truly a "new day".

My ex is never far from my thoughts and I know that eventually thoughts of him will fade, as will memories. I will be forever grateful that he encouraged my going back to school. My prayer for him is a lifetime of happiness and good fortune. And yes, I still love him.

But as for me, I've mentally written down every memory on a mental sticky note and I've tied them together in a neat pile with a ribbon and have tucked them away. I've closed a chapter and I'm starting a new one. I don't know where it will lead, but as long as I'm following Him, it can't be bad. Until next time, Frog!

Life's a dance you learn as you go....

As I drove into work today, I listened to my new, "Life's a Dance: 17 Inspirational Songs from Today's Country Artists" CD (it's VERY good). Track 10 is John Michael Montgomery's song, "Life's a Dance". After listening to it, I've come to the conclusion that John Michael Montgomery does a good job of summing up life with the following lyrics;

"Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go"

They pretty much sum up what I'm learning and realizing at this stage of my life and how I'm trying to change and apply not "worrying about what I don't know". I'm so busy trying to figure out God's plan for my life, that I'm missing out on what He's doing and blessing me with NOW! "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jer. 29:11. I mean God pretty much sums it up right there. He has a plan for me. And not only that but He goes ahead and tells us in Proverbs 16:9 "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps". God IS in control, NOT me. And the sooner I submit to Him and let Him have it (because He really wants me to do this), I'll be happier.

It's easy to get caught up in the drama of everyday life. But the hardest part is making the decision as to whether you're going to wallow in it (pity party for 1 here) or you're going to let it go and move on. Lately I've been wallowing (pity party for 1 here). Wallowing is NEVER a good thing for me to do. I get tudey, aggravated, and depressed. In short, I become a party pooper, a stick in the mud, and no fun to be around.

When I get like this, I usually have a meeting with my good friend "Frank" (everyone should have a "Frank"). I won't lie, I don't usually like what "Frank" has to say at that given moment. This is because "Frank" doesn't tell me what I WANT to hear, instead "Frank" tells me what I NEED to hear (and what I NEED to hear and what I WANT to hear are 2 VERY different things). Now over the years, I've come to respect and appreciate "Frank". I've also learned to react differently. In the early years I got defensive and angry; now I get quiet, thoughtful, and I ponder what "Frank" has said. Sometimes my pondering takes a while to get through and it's usually accompanied by tears, but after a while, I see the point "Frank" makes. It doesn't mean that I necessarily agree (most of the time I do) or that I take the advice (one of these days I might learn to), but at least I listen, respect, and appreciate my friend, "Frank".

I have to unlearn a lot of behaviors that I have known and practiced for years. Luckily for me, God has blessed me with some of the most understanding and supportive people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and being able to call my friends. Yes, I know this is going to take time. I didn't learn these behaviors over night, so they won't be gone over night. But with the help of God, I'm going to be all right. I'm going to relax and remember "Life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance you learn as you go"....
Until next time, FROG!

Honda vs the racoon on steroids and the outcome.....

For those of you who don't know, I now drive a 2005 Honda Accord EX (with butt warmers!!). She's a real beauty and my first "real" car. Now don't get me wrong all my cars up until this point have been very faithful. Hmmmm maybe I should fill you in on my car history....

My "first" car, an Eagle Summit aka the "Tootsie Mobile" (a hand me down from my parents), was a great run around car, until the crank shaft bolt fell off and she sounded like she'd explode at any minute. This little factor caused my parents and I to get my VERY FIRST brand new car! My 1999 Dodge Neon was my first car and the love of my life for a while...until I was in an accident and didn't "feel" safe in her anymore. Then came the 2001 Kia Sephia (my next brand new car), the "Lemon" model of the Kia's...need I say more (they stopped making them the year after I got mine)? In all actuality, she was a good car. She got a new transmission the 1st week I had her (I later found out that it was a rebuilt one) and after 7 years of faithful performance, the transmission locked up. Now, had I had the transmission flushed and taken care of her with routine maintenance, I'm sure I'd still have her. But alas I didn't have the $2800 to put into getting her fixed and sold her to someone who did. Luckily for me, I had my Father's 1999 Plymouth Breeze to fall back on. Now, Dad's car (I acquired her after he passed away. I had a lot of his personal belongings to tote home and couldn't afford to rent my own personal jet) had over 123,000 miles on her and I noticed on my way home from PA that even with the petal to the metal I was only going 60 MPH (that wasn't a real comfort to me). In May I needed to make another trip to PA to get more of Dad's things and figured that the Breeze probably wouldn't make it. So I started car hunting. After changing my mind a million times and probably driving my friends up the wall (I had to keep them informed of every car I was looking at and all the goodies it had), I finally found my 2005 Honda Accord at Priority Honda in Chesapeake, VA. I LOVE my car. She's silver with a V6 engine, leather interior, and a 6 CD changer. Praise the Lord, she's dependable!!

Now that I've got my history of automobiles I've owned, I can get to the heart of the story. So anyways, it was last Wednesday night. I hadn't had a great day, not at all. I was feeling pretty lousy, crying, and to boot, it was raining. I was about 3 miles from my house when all of a sudden this raccoon ran out in front of me. Now I thought to myself "Praise You Lord, look at that raccoon" (I've lived out in the "country" for 3.5 yrs now and this is the second raccoon I've seen alive...). Mr. Raccoon decided to turn around in front of the other car beside me and run back my way and stop.... Well, you pretty much know what happened, I heard "whack" and then felt my back tire go "bump"... Seeing my 2ND raccoon alive was pretty short lived. So by that time, I was feeling even crappier.

I pulled into my drive way and got my mail. I decided I'd check to see the "ding" the raccoon left in my bumper. If ONLY it had been a ding!! Oh no!! Let me tell you what Mr. Raccoon did to my bumper. He put about a 5 in tear in it, pushed it in and down, and caused part of it to scrape the ground (luckily my friend pulled that part off for me or it would have driven me up the wall). The raccoon on STEROIDS had decided to hit MY car!!! I calmly got back into my car, thinking "God, You've got to be kidding me", and pulled up about 5 ft and parked. I then proceeded to get out of the car and check the damage again (I thought maybe I was hallucinating the first time...I wasn't).

I called my friend and let her know I was home safely and about my run in with the coon (at this point I wasn't mourning his loss as much) and realized I'd have to file an accident report for insurance reasons (being a dispatcher is very helpful at times). So I called my local sheriff's office and was told a trooper would call me soon. The trooper called, told me to meet him at the sheriffs office in a half hr, and he'd fill out the report. The report took all of 10 minutes to complete and I was on my way home again.

By the time I pulled into my drive way I was chuckling. It was kinda like my "too stressed to be blessed or too stressed to be blessed" blog day. I thanked God that I was safe and that I hadn't hit a deer or a bear. I wasn't hurt, my car still ran, and I was thankful. I was a little concerned about what this would set me back cost wise. I couldn't remember what my deductible was and I had just put one on my insurance due to the new car (full coverage). I figured I'd deal with that when the time came.

Fast forward to Friday morning (my in between day. I don't have to go to work until 7:30 pm that evening). I went to Farm Bureau and filed a claim. They took pictures and gave me the greatest news possible at that moment....I DIDN'T have a DEDUCTIBLE on my comprehensive insurance. Praise the Lord! It wasn't going to cost me anything. I could have cried. I couldn't have been more thankful to Him. Just when I think it's going to get bad, He's there helping me. Thank You God! So the good news is, I'm in good health, I have the check from Farm Bureau and I'll have my new bumper next Thursday (there was a mix up in translation. The auto body shop thought I still hadn't talked to my insurance agent). And a little piece of advice...avoid raccoons on steroids! Until next time, FROG....

Overwhelmingly blessed...thank you Father!

Whew...I am feeling overwhelmingly blessed at the moment. I have the most loving Father, God, the greatest friends and the best "sorta kinda guy" in the world. Over the past few weeks God has been doing some serious work in me. I can feel it and I can catch glimpses of it. I've blogged in the past about the "Vivian Complex"(or the "VC" for short) and "practicing what you preach...or not..." But in the last few weeks I've been right in that boat..."the bad stuff is easier to believe" (if not familiar with this quote, look up my "VC" blog). And Satan, the GREAT deceiver, has been doing a number on me... But luckily with the faithful love of my God and my friends, I'm resisting him....AND getting comfortable in my skin...again.

I think we go through phases. Sometimes we're comfortable/happy with ourselves, sometimes we aren't, I want to be all the time (not to demanding huh? This is where my friend would say, "Picky aren't we")!! But in this case, YES!! I am being "picky". I want to be HAPPY and COMFORTABLE in my skin all the time!!! I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". I am made in His image! Our loving Father DOES NOT make mistakes!! Praise the Lord!!

Lately I've been being honest with myself and others on how I truly feel about myself at times. I'm being honest about the fact that I'm not perfect and will never be perfect (wow talk about tiring!) and I'm accepting that I'm perfect JUST the WAY I ALREADY am. I'm exactly where He wants me to be be at this moment in my life.

But, what I want to see and want to be, I already am. And my God and friends, already see that. They see the beautiful, loving, reliable, trusting, great, wonderful, forgiving, friendly, sweet, girl that I have a hard time seeing. They see His image emanating from me. WOW...pretty powerful stuff huh? So I've decided to get out of "this" pit and start believing and trusting them 100%. And if I get a big head, I can always count on my girl to keep me grounded! I'm not saying it'll always be easy and knowing me I'll stumble a MILLION times, but God and the special people in my life will be there to help me.

So Heavenly Father, thank You for all that You do for me. Thank You for the faithful and loving friends and people that You have placed in my life. And thank You for Your grace and love. I am truly blessed.

Until next time, FROG....

Oh what a night.....

Picture it (I know, sounds a lot like Sophia from Golden Girls...), it was April of 2007. I was at the Telecommunicator's Conference in Salemburg, NC (it's held annually for dispatchers all over the state of NC). But moving on...we took classes, met new dispatchers from all over the state, and had a blast. And it just happens to be where I met "him".

If memory serves me right (lately it's hit and miss) it was the 2ND night of the conference when they held a party/dance. At first me and my gang (it's a great song!!) hadn't planned on going. We weren't in the mood to drink and calling it a night at the dorm sounded very tempting! However, we decided to go over and check it out. Man am I glad I did! I danced the night away...100% sober I might add... I had a blast and of course...that's where I met "him".

Now I noticed "him" standing close by watching my every move (there were some really wild ones I might add too...ha ha). I noticed him too...red hair, glasses, really nice smile, goatee, and taller than me (always a plus I might add!!). I can't remember who broke the ice first. I believe it was "him". I had requested a slow song, Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. The guy I was supposed to dance it with was outside. So "him" being the great guy that he is, stepped in and took his place. I wish I hadn't gone on and on about the guy that I was supposed to dance with, but I did. But "he" was great...he didn't leave my side the rest of the night.

Eventually a small group of us headed to the student lounge to hang out (me, "him", and 2 others). "He" and I were going to dance another slow dance (this time this one for us), but we never did find a good song. Instead, I laid my head on his shoulder and bummed smokes. And "he" being the wonderful man that he is, had no problem with any of it.

The next day, we were both shy and chatted a bit and took some classes together. We had exchanged contact information the night before. And then we simply parted ways. When I got home you better believe I added him to my yahoo messenger. And since that meeting, we've kept in contact, building a beautiful friendship....Until next time, FROG...